30 Jokes That Will Leave You in Stitches 

tumblr_inline_mhaxglsg9k1qz4rgp

1. A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

2. ‘What do you call a fake noodle?’ ‘An impasta.’

3. ‘Why are ghosts so bad at lying?’ ‘Because you can see right through them.’

4. ‘Did you hear about the fire at the circus?’ ‘It was in tents.’

5. ‘How do you organise a space party?’ ‘You planet.’

6. ‘What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?’ ‘Bugs Bunny.’

7. ‘What do you call the warm that ate Mozart?’ ‘A decomposer.’

8. ‘What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?’ ‘I just love baskin’ robins.’

9. ‘How did the Italian chef die?’ ‘He pasta way.’

10. ‘How often do I like Chemistry jokes?’ ‘Periodically.’

11. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

12. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

13. ‘What did one ocean say to the other ocean?’ ‘Nothing, they just waved.’

14. ‘Where did the fish put their money?’ ‘The river bank.’

15. ‘How do crazy people go through the forest?’ ‘They go through the psychopath.’

16. ‘What has 4 wheels and flies?’ ‘A garbage truck.’

17. ‘What is brown and sticky?’ ‘A brown stick.’

18. ‘What kind of phones do turtles use?’ ‘Shell phones.’

19. Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” || Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

20. Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head by a can of soda? He’s lucky it was a soft drink.

21. PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

21. ‘Why can’t you have 2 doctors in the same place?’ ‘Because that would be a pair-o-docs.’

21. I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.

22. A good pun is it’s own reword.

23. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

24. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

25. ‘What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?’ ‘A pink carnation.’

26. ‘What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?’ ‘A red carnation.’

27. ‘What do you call a country if everyone in it lived in their cars?’ ‘An in-car-nation.’

28. ‘What’s the difference between a smart man and a stupid man?’ ‘Nothing. They both think they know everything.’

29. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

30. I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.

______________________

Tell these to your friends to get a good laugh! Use these to break the ice with strangers!

Had a great time compiling all these jokes. I wish I could have added more, but obligations……

Share your happiness with the world today!

Advertisements

One thought on “30 Jokes That Will Leave You in Stitches 

  1. Pingback: 10 Ways to Make Someone’s Day | Celebrating Happiness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s